I am not like other people, I relax into philosophy and thinking. The problem is that every time a read a book or study a new science I get smarter, and then the world looks stupider and more evil to me. And then I see things more acutely and whereas I would like to be wrong about a lot of things I find that I am actually more correct than I knew which then makes me more depressed.
A few years ago I became interested in microexpressions and I bought a bunch of Paul Ekman books. Now I am so sensitive that I can read peoples faces like books and I find this more depressing than ever. It was useful to plug into my theories on relationship and philosophy but it is one of those things that you can’t shutoff. I get to see how everybody is in relationship with me.
It is interesting if you consider that our brains are hardwired to recognize faces and read faces to a certain extent. So every time something repeats it creates neural myelination in your brain, it reifies something. So when I see a repeated reaction to myself it characterizes me to myself. It becomes part of my sense of self and who I feel myself to be. At least it would if I was normal and gave a single fuck what people think about me. Fortunately for me I know that the vast majority of people are insipid fools so I don’t take their reaction to heart anymore. I kind of use it against them in a way which I will get into later.
They have found that facial expressions of contempt and disgust are the single biggest factor in signaling the end of relationships. So it is interesting when people meet me for the first time and know literally nothing about me and they react with contempt and disgust. I know that relationship is not even an option. It is over before it began. All they know about me is how I look so I know that they are prejudiced.
Some functional psychopaths usually with histrionic personality disorder like to scream with their faces to “communicate a state”(my term :D) to people, to manipulate their emotions to make them feel bad about themselves or to make them think they did something wrong. I get this all of the time. Instead of modifying my behavior I repeat the “offensive” behavior and then I repeat tautologies of that behavior. I look for exactly what their trigger is and then I put it on fully automatic. My feeling is that if you can be offended you need to be offended. If you don’t want to see homosexuals kissing on the street or you think that my 7 pound cockapoo is the devil because a black dog prevented Gabriel from finishing a mission, your ass needs to stay inside where you are safe from the dirty, dirty, world.
I want you to consider something, all of your experiences are tainted by the fact that you are the one having them. Everything that has ever happened to you creates a normative bias and a sense of who you are. People react differently to you and relate differently to you than they do to anyone else. In the yoga sutras of patanjali this is discussed although I say it more plainly than most. My psychologist ex gf used to chide me about my approach to people, I constantly explained to her that people don’t react to me like they react to her so I will not get the same results with her strategy. I have to use the strategy that gets the most positive results for myself.
Ekman says that being in a permanent refractory state is the same as being crazy and indeed I have driven people insane that tried to communicate to me that I was annoying them and therefore I must modify my behavior. The hidden subject is that they feel I am attacking them by existing in the universe being visible to them. So the only way I can be part of the solution is if I died or disappeared and that is not going to happen. I am not responsible for your emotions. You do not get to win by being a victim or feeling victimized or being mentally and emotionally damaged and not wanting to be sane or mentally healthy. If people want to be obsessed with me and to dedicate themselves to my destruction and silence, well then….
COME AT ME, BROH!
…but seriously, you don’t know what kind of mental kung fu I have and if you want to antagonize me you will find yourself fighting a tidal wave or a hurricane. That is how your mind compares to mine. So do your worst mental midgets. But I digress, I have driven people mad that fucked with me, not even joking, we are talking asylums….